You might be the parent of a toddler if..

Recently, I read a list from a fellow parent documenting the characteristics of being a parent of a toddler (You can read it here).  It was a funny article that I could relate to as a parent of a 3 year old (as of this week). So, I decided to compile a list of my own tailored towards my birthday girl.  Enjoy!

1st Inning.
I hate you....There aren't many days that go by where either my wife or I have not conducted ourselves in an appropriate manner and have unleashed Satan.  This usually occurs, well it can occur with anything--from not being the requested person to help her go to the bathroom to not giving her candy for dinner to not having chocolate milk on tap ALL.THE.TIME.  These unfortunate circumstances release the Krakken and we get a "I hate you, momma!" or an "I hate you, dadda", followed by a scowl look from her then a stomp off.

2nd Inning.
I don't like these clothes...Somewhere between infanthood and toddlerhood, there is a switch that has gone off and it involves I LIKE THESE CLOTHES and I DON'T LIKE THESE CLOTHES. You never know which you are gonna get.  Unlike a light switch where off/on are always in the same spot getting our toddler dressed is like playing Russian Roulette.  Hell, we have even taken her to the store so she can pick out clothes and watch her get so excited then the next day putting them on is like throwing holy water on a vampire.  This usually ends up being a week of non-stop 'Wear Mismatch Clothes' days.  There is really nothing wrong with wearing a Sunday School dress with sweatpants and snow boots in August, right?

3rd Inning.
I don't like this dinner...You work all day and rush home to make dinner.  Through the flurry of boxes, oven/microwave beeps, and empty food cans, you holler at the family that dinner is ready only to have your 3 year old tell you she doesn't like it and it's yucky then fall to the floor kicking and screaming until you make her a peanut butter sandwich with a side of shredded cheese, oh, and a glass of chocolate milk.

4th Inning.

I love you...with kisses...Even Satan has to take a break and when he does take one from possessing my toddler it is quite enjoyable.  Whether it is pretending you have a boo-boo that requires HER kisses to make it feel better or telling her you missed her while she was at day-care, once you pick her up and hug her while whispering 'I love you' in her ear all your troubles from that day drift away as she returns the hug and the 'I love you' along with a kiss on the cheek. Those tiny little hugs are powerful!

5th Inning.
I want to go to the store...We have entered a phase in her life where she LOVES to go to the store and if you attempt to leave the house without her you can expect a crying/stomping--you-forgot-Christmas-like scenario.  So, she accompanies me to the store as my miniature sidekick.  She has named the stores by their colors--Home Depot is the orange store, Lowes is the blue store, Target is the red store, etc.  She has even memorized the types of carts they have and she MUST have when we go to them.  If there is not a 'car' cart in the parking lot cart returns she starts to get nervous and if there is not one available when you enter the store then all HELL is about to break loose!  There is nothing like having a meltdown at the entrance of the store as a plethora of strangers enter and try to get a cart while trying to dodge your toddler as she tries to escape your capture so you can put her in a normal cart.

6th Inning.
Watch me!..With two older sisters, she is always fighting for attention.  On many nights she will enter our living room while we are all sitting around watching the television and she will holler at me, "Watch me, dadda!". She will then line up at the entry to the living room and sprint to the tv on the opposite far wall, touch the tv, then sprint back to the entry way.  The kid will do this several times before going into her gymnastics routine where she starts doing somersaults, all while repeatedly yelling at me, "Watch me, dadda!".  Then she moves into the stunt girl routine where she lines up, has me countdown from 3 and she runs and leaps like Supergirl onto our cushioned ottoman. The entire display of toddler olympics ends with her standing up and bowing while saying, 'Thank you...thank you'. Occasionally, before or after bath time, she will do all of this while nekkid which adds to the excitement for her. I'm not sure whether to be insulted or not as she does her nekkid bow when facing away from me and I get a toddler moon.

7th Inning.
Spank my sisters...Now understand, the 3 year old has two older sisters (ages 11 & 9) and since she is the youngest things don't always go her way.  This is true when it comes to watching tv, playing with certain toys, or even going outside to play.  When the situation doesn't go her way or the older sisters take things a bit too far and taunt her, well, the 3 year old Dictator emerges and she will storm off to find my wife or me and request that we go find her sisters and immediately begin the spanking. It is quite humorous when she comes and tattles on her sisters and I tell her to tell them that if they don't stop I will come and spank them.  She then runs back to her sisters and with the most authoritative voice declares, "Dadda says if you don't (enter the violation of the day) he is going to come SPANK you!".  Afterwards I really get the feeling she wants to run a bedroom check on them to look for contraband.

8th Inning.
I don't want to sleep in my room...Every night seems to be an Everest-like challenge for us to get her to go to sleep, preferably in her own room, in her own bed. We can tuck her in within the comfy confines of her double bed with stuffed animals and a night light, but give it 20 minutes and she will be creeping into our bedroom telling us her tummy aches because she has to sleep in her bedroom. So, we make her a bed on her comfy Elmo fold-out couch on our floor only to have her creep over to the side of our bed 10 minutes later to tell us her tummy aches because she has to sleep on her Elmo couch.  So, we scoop her up into our bed, tuck her in, and try to fall asleep only to have her tell us 5 minutes later that she has to go potty.  Then it's a quick game of  'Not it!' to see who takes her. After her bathroom break she is back to the bed, sleeping between her mom and me.  The problem is I can't roll over to face her during the night or I am faced with a repeated kick to the crotch.  Oh, the joys of playing a game of roshambo for a bed to sleep in.

9th Inning.
Be quiet, I'm watching my movie...Unlike my childhood when riding in the backseat of my parents' car there were no DVD players to watch my G.I.Joe or Transformers cartoons.  Today's kids have it easy.  Sit back, have mom or dad pop in a DVD of your favorite cartoon or movie and drift away during those long road trips.  Now, our toddler pretty much is the only one that watches the DVD player in my wife's van (thank God there is not one in my truck), but you CAN.NOT.TALK. during her shows.  You can't sing along to 'Let it go' while she watches 'Frozen' and you can't hum to it either.  You can't say the Penguins dialogue while it plays 'Madagascar' either.  Complete silence is required at all times. If you violate this rule you will get a 'Shush' or a 'Be quiet, dadda' or a 'Stop talking...I hate you!'.